Wednesday, April 06, 2005

Come on girl,

Remember how to smile, there's nothing to be sad about....

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

An old journal entry from LJ

Become a God or Goddess. by zerogirl
God/Goddess ofThe Stars
Animal Companion:Butterfly
Weak againstFood
Weapon:Cross bow
Created with quill18's MemeGen!

Thursday, March 31, 2005

Dreams are So unlike the world outside my window

If a butterfly were to fade away from the viewing window of your vision, the chances of you remembering such an event are slim to none... What if that chance that you gave up and forgotten was a window of opportunity and you did nothing but turn a blind eye?

Butterflies on average live for about the span of a week. Imagine what they did, and all the events that seven days could possibly hold for them?

Even less than butterflies were the life span of bubbles.

When I was a child, I truly believed that everything around me was a life. Everything that was anything was a personality, living, dreaming, having thoughts, socializing, just like we do. A young part of me still believes that.

Bubbles live a grand total of a minute... if they're lucky, and I thought, wow, they are born, are babies, grow up, and grow old so fast! Imagine all the events that they would have in that period from drifting between my bubble maker to four feet away.

They were in their own little worlds... Their socializing their friendships so different from ours that it was impossible to comprehend the complexity of their hierarchy and systems... but they had it, we just couldn't see.

Seeing means believing, so they say (and you know that sometimes, even if you DO see it, you don't believe it)... yet there were so many things I couldn't see that I believed in. I believed in magic, and dreams. I thought that anything was possible, and felt that if I put my heart and mind to it, I can fly. So to speak.

I thought if I twirled around enough, dreamed enough, and worked at it, I could leave this useless world of school and mundane promises, drear, and grey and enter some fantastical realm where adventure, and heartache was real.

What windows of opportunity have I given up. Did failing to talk with the person next to me on the train close a door that could have led me into another life? another realm? what possibilities are there.

I felt that my skills have never been the greatest and up to par with any of my other fantastical friends. As I have mentioned I am a default art student. I always believed that, if I could just be special in something, if I could have the strength to protect something... like I was some sort of fighter, that was brilliant with the useage of a weapon of steal and some elemental attack... or something like that... and I would protect my friends, my family... my concerns would be weather I have enough food and water for the journey, if my clothes would be warm enough, I wouldn't know what was ahead, and adventure was written in my blood...

However, how silly and nerdy does that sound? How absoultely pathetic to be caught between some dream world and reality. I know what you're thinking by now... thsoe are left for the books darling.. You experience those in the books.

Paul said something brilliant to me, and I couldn't agree more - but reading books makes you feel smart! Which is so true, unfortunately I can't quite seem to get hooked on all the "literature" they feed you through a tube during school... who knows maybe University would be different for me. Although, notables like 1984, Lord of the Flies, Farenheit 451 etc. I'm sure I would like...

It's just like someone like me to be completely involved in dreamworlds so much that I even have fantastical dreams full of adventure and direction. Some are fun, some are serious, but all are so completely unlike the world we live in and that includes the general physics....

It's pathetic really, but even now, the part of me that's sort of detached myself and accepted that those dreams should be put to rest and long forgotten.... the part that is saddened that my imagination has dwindled, my creativity again on the low run... but this part of me, still ends up daydreaming... daydreaming of freedom, a chance to learn who I am, what my strengths are and etc. etc.

The only thing I can say from all of this....
It's pathetic I spend all this time dreaming and being lonely.
Instead of just trying. Trying to be happy with what I've got...
But I feel so trapped and caged...
I can't help but feel that there's something more out there...

So I'm trying, I'm rebuilding my life some how... despite the fact that certain factors are delaying it further and further, causing me to be more frustrated...

However - I will try.. I will guarantee you I will try / aim for a brand new start on April.

Today is the thirty first.... I have .... 20 hours to complete my goal.

Sunday, March 27, 2005

An Update. Amazing.

Days have certainly been flying by, and needless to say - I feel like there isn't enough time to do all that I want. However, in reality, there is plenty to do, I'm just a lazy arse not actually doing anything. Procrastination seems to be my middle name and it appears I live up to it's definition to it's full potential. However, although I am quite unproductive, contrary to my very own complaints - I am actually accomplishing minor tasks here and there. Minor, in other words, it's getting done rather slowly.

The speed of which things are being done does need to change however. That is why tomorrow, after I wake up, freshen up for the day with the ritual morning showers and whatnot I will locate the "Todo.doc" file on my computer and then proceed to knock off each list item one by one until the day ends. The following day - which should theoretically be the 28th of March (a Monday).

The days of the week, remain unstable, revealing a rather shocking level of surprises. For example last Thursday - I would have liked the day off, and it was previously agreed that I would have the day off, however, that was not the case and I was called in to work, and as a result Friday became "Sit at home and become a potato day." I did however, manage to turn the color of my hair to a rather dark fuscia which only seems to show up in the light... one that radiates heat - the best source mr. sun. Saturday I went out with Sherman and had a brilliant time chitchatting here and there.

Which actually leads me to last weekend which was an absolute blast. I had gone up to waterloo with a very good friend of mine and hung out with Sherman, Kathy, Serene and Jimmy all weekend. Absolutely fantastic. I must say, dinner/dessert and a 2L carton of Baci ice cream was fabulous. Quite relaxing. And then of course tuesday to thursday was a hit to the dreary mundane life I have created for myself.

Sunday is today, and I am for some ridiculous reason am up at 4:40 in the morning... doing absolutely nothing I could be sleeping but I may have been hit with a wave of insomnia. This could be a result of my brain turning on and going, brilliant that you have gone two days drawing absolute blanks I shall now plague you with thoughts.

Excellent. Rather satisfying (not) that I am actually sitting here attempting to be mindless while my brain tosses about thoughts as if they were a rubber ball. The walls of my brain simply bounces it back to another wall and this ... leads too mass confusion, anxiety and a great deal of frustration. Which I cannot vent fully because I don't quite understand it myself.

My heart playing the games that it does, finds it absolutely hilarious to contradict my mind. My mind of course logically attempts to quash all teasing spunned by my heart. Needless to say the warring of emotions within me would be hilarious to any outsider - and even me - if I was not suffering from this regular beats of frustration.

(My vocabulary, grammar and ability to be coherent, has obviously gone to the toilet - so please excuse any incoherency - if you have even read this far into this absurdly long entry.)

In any case, moving on, I am quite excited by the prospect of entering university next year despite the fact that I am absolutely scared shitless and am going about this whole university thing like a headless chicken. I may actually end up at Guelph Humber - that is if they accept me, so where I end up for September 2005 is ... any where. York still is high up on the list but I truly do not know any more. I definitely need to get organized - as I do have to fill out student financial details and whatnot with the many schools that I have applied to. The sad truth is, the urgency to be on my own is so ridiculously strong that I have seriously considered going to Waterloo for Fine Arts/Business... - I also should have applied for Laurier - for all their liberal arts courses sound fascinating. Criminology - from the psycological perspective - Psychology, History, Medieval history, Anthropology, Archaeology, Film studies, Geography and Environ and cultural studies ... it all sounds absolutely fascinating. Ah well... perhaps I will transfer next year. Maybe.

Speaking about Universities, I will be heading up to York on Tuesday and I am definitely very excited. I also may be dropping my night school course because I am stressing out major - it is not something I need on my plate right now - and if I don't need this class, why should I keep it on my list of things to do? I will have to call york and then guidance for this.... which I should do tuesday morning. I will be seeing Paul as well for some new music (and some old ones as well since they've gone missing on me) - something which I definitely would like.

I have been on this ridiculous phase where New music, new clothes, and new do/hairstyle etc.... It seems all rather shallow but ... I feel like I need to change my life somewhat. Rearrange a few things, after all if I can't leave the city might as well do what I can otherwise right?

Anyway, enough of my rambling...

I should sign off, and go to bed... this has around 23 minutes in writing / gibber... so... off to bed for me.


Saturday, July 24, 2004

Road to No where...

I... have so much regret, hate, and anger directed towards myself...
I ... feel like i'm going nowhere...